The Hard Path…
What’s funny is that I can write pages upon pages about stepping into your worth or knowing your value, yet I still experience days when I feel like a child, hoping that the world will notice me and tell me what my value is.
Yesterday felt hard. Nothing big happened to cause me to question my worthiness, but a series of small events culminated in me questioning why I’m putting myself out there and whether anyone will see my worth and value. It really felt like I was asking when I would see my worth. When will I see my value?
After all the work I have done, this day put me on my ass and made me feel as though I have made no progress at all. I’m reminded of this Brene Brown clip on Instagram of her during an interview, and thankfully a dear friend sent it to me this morning as if she knew I needed it.
Don’t walk through the world looking for evidence you don’t belong, because you’ll always find it. Don’t walk through the world looking for evidence that you’re not enough, because you’ll always find it. Your worth and your belonging are not negotiated by other people. We carry those inside of our hearts. And so for me, I know who I am, I am clear about that, and I am not going to negotiate that with you. I will negotiate a contract with you. I will negotiate maybe even a topic with you. But I am not going to negotiate who I am with you. Because then, I may fit in for you but I no longer belong to myself. And that is a betrayal I am not willing to do anymore. I’m not willing to betray myself anymore. I will leave you with this. There will be times when standing alone feels too hard, too scary, and we’ll doubt our ability to make our way through the uncertainty. Someone, someone will say, “Don’t do it.” “You don’t have what it takes to survive the wilderness.” This is when you reach deep into your wild heart and remind yourself, “I am the wilderness.”
Yesterday I did everything I could to look for evidence that I didn’t belong and that I wasn’t enough. I relived past experiences that brought me right back to how I felt at that time as if no time had passed. And at the end of the night when I got back to my parents’ house, the universe showed me that she is quite humorous.
When I was young (I’m going to guess I was around 10?) my sister and I got these funny bowling mugs as Christmas presents. (For context, we received them from people who were not bowlers). My sister got the one that had 300 printed on it and a hole that went straight through the middle zero. It was great. Unfortunately as a 10-year-old, I didn’t have the tools to identify what I was feeling when I received the slanted mug that said, “If It Goes To The Right, It’s a GUTTER. If It Goes to the Left, It’s A GUTTER.” and the other side said “If It Goes STRAIGHT, It’s A Miracle”
YIKES.
My little self said, why does she get the 300 mug and I get the gutter mug, like I’m not good enough to shoot a 300? Do they think I’m only good enough to throw gutters or pray that it goes straight? Of course, they didn’t think that they really didn’t know much about bowling and just bought these funny gag mugs!
Poor young Felicia looked for all the evidence that she wasn’t enough and that everybody else saw her as that too, even in something as simple as these mugs.
And so yesterday, as I arrived at my parent’s house and wanted to make tea before bed, I saw these mugs. And it felt like the universe saying, “Ha ha, see it’s supposed to be funny along the way? Get it?”
And while I’m still a bit tender, I can at least appreciate a sense of humour. Progress is not linear. Belief systems run deep. I will keep moving toward what I do want and how I want to feel. Even if sometimes it feels like I haven’t taken any steps at all.