Feeling Unworthy on the Professional Women’s Bowling Tour
For a long time, I did not understand that my longing and desire to make a Professional Women’s Bowling Association (PWBA ) cut was actually holding me back from achieving my goals. The first step to winning a PWBA title is to make cuts, so naturally, I hyper-focused on making cuts as a definition of success.
My fears of not being good enough and not being seen as good enough led me to fall just shy of making cuts for the first two years of being on tour. I once said this to my mentor and guide, Dr. Dean Hinitz, and he had a physical reaction. He was physically shocked that my goal would be JUST to make cuts. I didn’t see myself clearly.
I also bowled to how I expected to bowl. After the first event of the 2024 season in Minneapolis, I had a call with Dr. Dean. He asked me who won the event and I said Shannon Pluhowsky. His response was, “I bet she was surprised.” When I asked him to elaborate he said, she bowled to how she expected to bowl and in no way was she surprised that she won. The realization hit me hard and all at once. No part of ME did not expect me to finish in the bottom half of the field. In other words, I did not expect to make cuts…and if that’s the case…what the hell am I doing out here???
Well F…now if I look back at my professional journey since 2022, it all makes a lot more sense. As I have discussed in my previous blogs, the first three events in 2022 were pure anxiety. It wasn’t until mid-way through the season that I started to find my footing and feel more comfortable. I came closer to cashing starting with the St. Petersburg-Clearwater Open and throughout the rest of the season. I cashed once that season, and it was at the Dallas Classic.
In 2023, I picked up where I left off the previous season. Missing cuts by 90 pins and 50 pins for the first two events but keeping myself in the mix. The pressure built up as I kept missing cuts and during the first event in Grand Rapids, I had a breakdown. Interestingly, it allowed me to experience some freedom. I loosened up, I remembered the joy of competing and I saw that the pressure I put on myself to perform was limiting my experience and joy. Going into Cleveland my main focus was to have maximum fun. I fully enjoyed it and made my first Casher’s round after going full-time! I then went on to make the cut at the US Open for the first time.
I’ll never forget what a good friend said when she watched me bowl at the 2023 US Open, “I haven’t seen you compete like that on tour yet.” I remembered who I was and how I wanted to feel. And yet, I had not addressed the underlying issue. A story I unconsciously told myself. Making cuts will mean I’m good enough. Making cuts will allow the world to see me as good enough. Thus, at the end of the tour season, I missed cashing by 2 pins and then didn’t come close to cashing in the last event before the Tour Championship.
Fast forward to 2024…I realize that I expect not to make cuts. Making cuts was the goal and if I just fell short of it, I would almost be good enough. I am afraid to be seen. This has been a pattern in my life for as long as I can remember. If I do just enough that people will see me as really good they won’t be able to say anything bad about me but in turn, I will never be great. Woof. What the hell is someone supposed to do with this?
If you have not watched Brené Brown’s TedTalk on The Power of Vulnerability, I encourage you to do that after reading this blog. I was afraid to be vulnerable because I might fail and then people would talk about me. And then the world would see me as not good enough. If I am just close enough people can’t say anything bad about me.
At the Queens this year I stopped trying. I started allowing. I opened myself up to the beauty of possibility. I started dreaming about all the things that could go right instead of everything that could go wrong or thinking that it would just stay the same as it has always been. I allowed myself to believe things were possible. I stayed patient. After the first two days of being in the cut but close to the bottom of the top 63, I didn’t allow myself to think, “Well I always bowl myself out of the cut.” Instead, I said, “What if I shot +100 today?”
Slowly I am shifting towards an abundance mindset vs. a scarcity mindset. “There is enough for everyone and if I play my best it will feel like a win” vs. “I must be better than everyone else because that is the only way to win.” When we let traditional outcome measures be the only indicator of success we will always feel like failures. I am reminded of the quote, “It is not what we do but how we do it that matters.” – John Wooden. I was so fixated on the outcome of making cuts that I constantly felt like a failure. It caused me to bowl like I had something to lose instead of everything to gain.
These past three years on tour have shown me how my limiting beliefs have gotten in my way and where they still play a part in my daily life. I have not moved through them completely and maybe I never will. That is not the point. I am learning how to be my best and most joyful self every day. When I can move and live from that space more of the time, then I am winning.
As a side note, I had no idea that quote was from John Wooden before writing this blog and I came across another of his quotes while googling. This is the essence of the blog and why redefining success will lead us to more fulfillment:
John Wooden defines success as "the peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming."