What I have learned from yoga today (and the Goddess Kali)

So I was feeling a bit stressed about the amount I wanted to "accomplish" today and I decided it would be good to start the day with a bit of yoga and meditation. The guided meditation I chose was all about love, so what could go wrong there? For my yoga practice though, I decided to start a 14-day yoga challenge centered around the Goddess Kali. 

I won't go into all the background around Kali, but as an overview, she is the fierce goddess of death and rebirth and is the destroyer of evil. She helps you strip away your illusions, fears, and self-destructive tendencies and plunge into your innermost power and highest potential!

Sounds pretty wonderful doesn't it? What I didn't truly grasp was that when you want to strip away your illusions, fears, and self-destructive tendencies, you must first notice them, be aware of them, and look at them. You have to be radically honest with yourself and face all those dark parts and places that you've been keeping swept under the rug nice and tidily. 

I do the 25-minute practice feeling pretty good about myself for already starting my day off well, when low and behold, the toilet is plugged...and I have to poop. No big deal, I grab the plunger and start plunging and nothing. I flush the toilet and nothing. It's okay, I'll walk the dogs first and then come back and everything will be fine. As I'm walking the dogs, I'm noticing that I'm getting angrier and angrier...now I've been working a lot on getting into the abundance mindset and knowing the universe has my back so it took me aback when feelings of despair and hopelessness came up. 

It feels like my life is kind of stuck in this middle ground, mucky, quicksand. There are so many areas that are feeling stagnant and that no matter how much I progress it doesn't feel like anything is moving, whether it be something simple like learning to play the banjo and cleaning my house to my work situation and bowling.

As I am on my walk and reflecting on all of this I notice myself spiralling and reaching out to a friend and my sister, typing it all out in a flurry of word vomit. Okay, it's out, I can manage this. I am okay. Everything is fine.

When I get back to the house I start plunging again with a fury trying to get this toilet unclogged and it's not working. I flush and it fills up with water and I'm plunging again and getting splashed with poop water (yeah sorry for the visual but this is where I was at) and I reach my breaking point. I scream loudly and it feels pretty good but I start crying and I can't stop and it feels so foolish and ridiculous but I scream again, I scream so loudly my throat hurts.

A few weeks ago I was talking to my sports psychologist and telling him how when I'm bowling, I can access Hulk-level anger quickly. And he said he wasn't surprised, which caught me off guard because in general people describe me as a calming presence. When I asked him why he said "Because you have Hulk-level restrictions in becoming who you truly are."

Woof. That's hard to hear. I could understand what he meant on a surface level and even agree with him, but I didn't really get what he meant...until today.

Today I accessed Hulk-level anger without being in a competitive environment and just doing seemingly regular day-to-day tasks. And wow, was it scary.

Venting about my situation and all the areas I felt stuck in my life made me see there was a lot I am holding on to so I guess now I get to work giving myself grace and digging deeper...